I Made It

Wake up before your alarm. That always happens when you have to get up early. Work is an after-thought. Today is the day. The day you’ve been dreading, but also a day of celebration. Walk to the bathroom. Turn on the light. Look at yourself. Eyes are puffy and have dark circles under them. You didn’t sleep. You tossed. You turned. You stared at the ceiling fan, watching it rotate and create a cool breeze. You thought. Anything that didn’t involve sleep, you did. Time to get ready. Get dressed. Brush your teeth. Fix up your hair. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

The day is going to go by slow. The work day is 10 hours with a lunch break in between. Text all day. Try not to seem so distracted. Coworkers will ask what’s wrong. Answer with a ‘just slept like shit’. Make sure to chuckle. That’ll make it less serious. Continue to text as your shift ends. You become anxious. Itch your neck even though it’s not irritated. Shake your right leg when you sit. Your left eyebrow will twitch on and off. Let it happen. No use of stopping it now. Check your watch. Time to clock out. Send another text. Punch out of work. The time clock glitches and you have to do it again. This pisses you off. You're going to be late. You can’t be late; time is running out.

Headed over now.

Send the text and wave goodbye to your coworkers. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Wonder when the next time you’ll take this route again. It’s a quick one. The house is 5 minutes away from work. It made it so convenient before. Those days are over. Take the right to get into the neighborhood. More stop signs this way. More time to think. More time to understand what was about to happen. You stop at the final stop sign before the street. 300 feet, a speed bump, then that left. The left you took a million times when driving through the neighborhood. Put your car in park. Close your eyes. Is this what you really want? You could change it. Just speak up. Speak your mind. You had plenty of chances before. All of this could be different. You couldn’t do it before, but now is the chance. Open your eyes. Your heart is beating out of your chest. Eyebrow starts to twitch. Shift your car into drive. Creep along that last 300 feet. Take that left. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

You see the van in front of the house. Now it’s really real. More real than you expected.

I’m outside.

…….

Okay, come on in.

Park the car in the driveway, as close to the van as possible. Grab a piece of gum from your cup holder. This’ll help mask the pain. Get out and close the door. It’s as humid as it was this morning, even with the cloud layer and the breeze. Drag your hand across the side of the van as you walk slowly to the front door. The back of the van is open. You look inside. You’re impressed. Gently nod at it, chew a little harder on that gum and knock on the door. You hear the familiar commotion. That makes you smile. The door begins to open. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Emptiness. That’s what you see. It wasn’t like this a couple days, even weeks ago. A pit begins to form in your stomach. Chew harder damn it. Don’t get emotional now. You created all this. But you can change it in one sentence. One little sentence. It’ll make all the difference. Be honest. Say how you feel. As commotion continues, just stand in the doorway. Stare. The pit is growing bigger. Stare some more. Chew harder. A conversation begins in the bedroom, but you’re drowning it out. You become shocked. Interlock your hands and play with your fingers. You can feel the tears form. Chew harder. A familiar face is now at your feet, making noise. Look down. Smile. A tear will run down your cheek. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

The other familiar face comes over too. It rubs against your leg. Another tear runs down. Your smile is there, but so is the quiver. The conversation ends in the bedroom and the bathroom door opens and quickly closes. Look up. Say what you need to say. It’ll change this whole situation. Just do it. Don’t be a little bitch. Just say it. You open your mouth. Nothing comes out. Just tears. Bend down and rub your hand around them. Cry. Chewing harder isn’t going to do anything anymore. Say goodbye. As the two walk away, look up and try and smile. Stand back up. Take the two steps. The most familiar face is staring at you. Go in and hug. Squeeze a little. Let the emotions show. That’s what you do best. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Soon the embrace is over and your back in the doorway. Look at the three faces. They look back at you. Rub your eyes. Slowly nod. Open the door and begin to walk out. Look behind you. One face looks lost. One face looks concerned. One face looks disappointed.

“I love you.”

Shut the door and walk to the car. Kick the stick that’s on the driveway. Put your hands on top of your head. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

You’re laying down in bed again. It’s dark. Grab your phone.

Goodbye.

Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Hours pass. The sun comes up and then goes away. Your phone vibrates.

I made it.

Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.